Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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