the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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