Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
