you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
zippers are such a cool invention
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
