I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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