if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
