i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
