I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We smell like vodka and hangover
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
