Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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