"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
