it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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