it hurts more in the daytime
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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