it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
