i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
