Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
