They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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