The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
