how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
