when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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