I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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