I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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