You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
