This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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