you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
