stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
