I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
