Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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