Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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