For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
