I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
