My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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