the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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