Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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