I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
