3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
