please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
