I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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