Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
