I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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