Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
handjob tips. give me some.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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