we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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