i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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