Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
