Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
