Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
