No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
