How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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