We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.