I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.