my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
