I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
