all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
