My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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