Just fell off a train. Bad.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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