found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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